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And again we begin... [11 Aug 2010|08:44pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

So here's the thing...

I am 25 today...
I have 3 children ages 6 and under...
I have an awesome boyfriend...
I weigh 280 lbs...
I am miserable.

My short term goal is to reach 230 lbs by the end of the year.

My long term goal is to reach between 120-130 lbs by the end of next year.

I will start at a private school this time next year and I'd like to have lost at least 100 lbs by then.

To do this I have a few options...My general plan is to eat as little as possible. If I must eat, then I will eat fruit or extremely low calorie foods. If I binge I will use laxatives or purge. I need to do this for myself. I just want to be happy. I've had the most miserable birthday in the entirety of my existence.


New Beginnings [24 Sep 2009|09:16pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I can't believe it's been 5 years since I've posted...I've had 2 more kids since then, have gained even more weight and have been so miserable words can't begin to describe. So while I've been trying to weight watchers routine, I find myself becoming more and more depressed for the simple fact that I feel like I'm settling...I'm just not pushing myself...I've become an unmotivated, lazy blob. What I need is to really devote myself to this. I guess what pushed me back to this point was breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years. We were both stuck in a fatness rut but when things ended the bastard lost 38 fucking pounds...And I'm stuck here, with 3 kids, weighing a ridiculous amount, and being absolutely miserable. So now, I will start my journal again, lost more weight than 'the bastard', and prove that I am worth SOMETHING.


[27 Jun 2004|10:05pm]
[ mood | blah ]

well i had a baby and i gained 100 flipping pounds while i was pregnant. so far i've lost 45 of it and i think i'm stuck at a plateau...which sucks. my goal is to be at 130 pounds by his first birthday...i have to lose two pounds a week. everyone is trying to make me eat...they all definitely notice that i don't really eat too much anymore...oh well. i'm gettin this great workout program i got off tv next week. i should be sheddin the pounds and inches like mad soon. but now i'm wearing a fucking 24 size pant....that's hideous! i though 14's were bad. i'm such a fatass. :'(

1 purge| binge

still here [06 Jun 2003|12:34pm]
Yup, I'm still here. Unfortunately. Anyways, I've been real happy lately since I found the love of my life and well...I've been eating like a pig...I'm up to 182...gross i know. I've just started my workout schedule for basketball in college next year so I know i'm burning fat and gaining muscle but i feel so fat. BLAH! It's back to restricting I do believe. Yup. I'm so unhappy with myself. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just stop the world, lay down, and lose all the weight, and start everything back up again. Well that's my rant for now...any comments, just post.
1 purge| binge

blah [09 Dec 2002|03:56pm]
I'm here...I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been very preoccupied with being bulimic, cutting myself, discovering my sexuality and all that shit. It's quite tiring, know what I mean?

Anywho...I got quite upset and jealous over a girl I'm talking to and she was spending the night and I just had to cut myself. Well she saw it, flipped out, bitched me out, and left me. I went to my mom about it and had to go to the hospital. Well while there they suck you into telling them everything and they know my past of being bulimic...yadda yadda.

So now I have to go to a psych tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to it. I'm still desperately trying not to eat and I've lost my appetite the last couple of days. I only eat when someone makes me. Yesterday we went out and i had some chicken tenders..and that was it all day. Then all I've eaten today has been some chicken pot pie, which tabatha made me eat. I'm glad everyone is noticing me finally, but it's not the way I wanted.

Welp I just thought I'd update for right now. Leave me a comment or something. I'm sure I'll be back soon. Luv you all! ::hugs::

1 purge| binge

Never say Never [01 Dec 2002|11:17pm]
yup...went out on an official date with Tab...it was great. oh and she spent the night. Can we say "perfect"? so yea...back to swinging both ways I guess...whatever. It's all good. I threw up dinner tonight. I'm going to be thin. So i've just been drinking diet coke since. same great taste without the cals. it's great. well just thought i'd post randomly...yuppers. bye

LaLaLaLa [29 Nov 2002|06:05pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I have felt a calling finally. I"m ready to devote my life to ana and being skinny. If i was skinny I'd have guys go gaga over me. I just know it. I'm done with the whole lesbian thing...wasn't working. Not to sound like a hoe, but I got some from this guy Michael. He's great. anyways...i'm not a lesbian...yay for that. Maybe i'm bi. I dunno. Whatever. So anyways...basketball is really getting me in shape and if i don't eat i'll be so thin by feb! that's my goal! to see lots of improvement by february! oh i ran 3 miles today. It was great.


ugh [25 Oct 2002|05:26pm]
ok so yea...Me and Tab went out today, It was fun. All her friends are telling her to date me. WOW...anywho, she talked about me as being gay and i still don't feel gay for some reason, yanno? ugh, it's confusing the piss out of me. Then I cut myself again and lets see. Haven't eaten much in the past 3 days. YAY for me. Oh and some girl has a crush on me, maybe. I dunno. I don't think I'm pretty enough to have a crush on....oh well.
3 purges| binge

confused confused [24 Oct 2002|06:56pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Ok so a lot has happened since I last wrote. I kissed a girl for the first time, which is weird because I'm so attracted to guys and there is ONE girl I'm attracted to. I'm not attracted to any other girls. quite odd. Then I didn't eat all day and then had some chicken nuggets and then purged and cut myself in the shower...fun fun fun. So there is my exciting life...blah


I've gotten so fat... [20 Oct 2002|09:38pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'm around oh 170 or so...It's awful...I sould be thin. I've had plenty of time and now I should be down to 140 but i fucked up. I started cutting myself today. It sucks. I don't have enough guts yet to cut myself deep. i'm a wuss. I can't take the pain. I"m hoping that the pain of cutting myself will take away the pain of starving myself. It's all worth it. I've started getting into art now. Drawing black and white drawings from pictures of mags. It's a way to find thinspiration without my parents getting suspicious. And for me to preoccupy myself. This will probably be the first entry of many, though I'm starting my college applications and I have tons of essays to write. I have a lot of shit to do and I'm not all that up to it. ::sigh:: I just want to be thin and not have petty worries.

6 purges| binge

[29 Sep 2002|09:14pm]
I hate food, I loath it...It is the bain of my existance...

Being sick has given me new found inspiration to beat my COE disorder...I'm a fatass and if I ever want to be considered posh and cosmipolitan then i seriously need to stop eating. My jeans are getting tight again and they didn't even stretch out...so from now on I will eat as little as possible...I will not eat unless it be necessary to keep me alive...I can live on dill pickles if need be(they have 0 cals)...so yea...in a under a year...this fatass will be skin and bones...yay...
2 purges| binge

YAY for the FLU! [26 Sep 2002|09:40pm]
[ mood | awake ]

I have the FLU and I don't think I've ever been happier about being sick...I'm going on a fast and just saying I don't feel good enough to eat! MWUAH HAHAHAHA!!!! No food for as long as i can go....

Yanno what feeds my not eating? pissing people off...yea...don't know why but it's fun...oh well...

Fast officially started at 9:30 pm

3 purges| binge

I'm back! [26 Sep 2002|07:10am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Hey all, I haven't posted in many months but I'm finally back...I tired to eat "normally"...well no carbs no meat...but still...and I got back into COE...BLAH! I'm glad ana is always here for me..I need to do anything i can to get as thin as i can by new years! my previous goal was 112 by New Years...we'll see how close I can get to that...From here on out it's major restricting and fasting...YUP YUP!!!


more inspiration... [07 Sep 2002|03:26am]
[ mood | awake ]

ugh ugh ugh...Steven has a girlfriend and she's FAT! i mean fucking fat...I"m prettier that her...I guess I've never gotten over him...oh and i had to ASK if he's been dating anyone...he didn't bother to tell me...stupid fuck...anyways...I've been working out for 2 hours and I"m gonna keep at it until I"m tired...Those diet pills I took really are giving me energy...I hope I lose more weight by the time i wake up...if i go to sleep. Night all.

2 purges| binge

YAY for me [07 Sep 2002|12:26am]
[ mood | tired ]

I'm down to 162...my lowest ever and I'm ready to be 112 by new years. I need this SO bad. umm I haven't updated in a while but I'm determined to get into the 150's next week..preferably by wednesday. YAY! I found that If i speed my metabolism up by actually like eating stuff and then restrict HEAVILY then i drop like 10 lbs in no time. sure you gain a little weight back BUT you end up losing more when you restrict. It's great. I'm also taking lots of these diet pills but they'll be gone soon and my parents won't buy me anymore...they don't know I've been taking em. I take like 9 a day. You're supposed to eat with them and take 3 before a meal but...I don't eat and I take like 6 at a time and then 3 at a time or 5 at a time and 4 the next time. Works i guess. Weight training also helps...Well I'm about dead...just thought I'd update since I haven't in a while!


HA! [21 Aug 2002|09:53pm]
165!!! 5 more pounds and I can wear my new Doors shirt, and 2 more pounds and I've broken my all time low!! ::WOOTWOOT::
3 purges| binge

Yuck Yuck [17 Aug 2002|04:44pm]
[ mood | disgusted ]

Ugh...I'm so icky. I gained that 9 lbs back that I loss...It's from over eating of course...I've been binge eating without purging lately so I'm icky again. I got this AWESOME new shirt today too. It has The Doors on it and sessy Jim Morrison...<3! But yea...I"m not letting myself wear it until I lose 10 lbs. This 'll be like an early present to myself that i can't get until my goal is reached. I'm hoping I can do this in a week. I think i can. My metabolism is up and if I'm good then i can certainly do this. Ugh Ugh Ugh...I'm so fat and nasty. No wonder I'm always "just a friend". Blah...

2 purges| binge

ick [15 Aug 2002|02:34pm]
Ok I did SO bad today...usually I don't eat lunch but I'm on my period so I tried to eat and I got some corn and lettuce and one of my teammates said I should eat more before practice. So I was like no I'm fine. Well stupid me doesn't eat the "safe" foods and goes back up there and gets 2 orders of fattening greasey french fries! ICK! I went to the bathroom and tried to purge it and the first time I was in the locker room and well I was making a lot of noise so people came out and so the second time when class was in session I went to the Girl's Bathroom and threw up even with someone was in there...I was like "I don't give a flying fuck what people think" So when i get done I wipe off my mouth and came out and this girl (a cheerleader) is standing there staring at me...so she knows and I just looked at her and left. Whatever, I don't care anymore.

[08 Aug 2002|05:55pm]
Hey...I haven't posted in a while so i figured I should...I'm down to 166! I broke the 170's! amen to that. My next challenge is to break into the 150's!! I'm getting more into ana again rather than mia...so i don't eat much but if i binge then i can purge it...So i'm not b/ping all the time which is good. I finally got a scale today and I fit into jeans that i haven't been able to fit into since last year!!!I was so excited. But i'm trying to get to 112 by new years...hopefully mom and dad won't catch on...but i bet they will...for now i can try and loose as much as i can till they brighten up. <3!!!

DIS-GUST-ING [19 Jul 2002|07:43pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I went out with my mom, who is very obiese[sp?] but anyways...we went to the movies and of course popcorn is my downfall but she ordered a fucking tub of it...i felt so ashamed to be seen with her and she was just sitting there stuffing her fucking face and laughing when she missed her mouth...i wanted to cry because supposedly this is my fucking role model...I want to puke everytime i watch her eat because she makes these heavy breathin noises inbetween her bites and she eats like a pig...she wants to be skinny but i don't think she ever will be. I'm so sick of being fat i just hate it...I want to curl up and die...I want to lay down and wake up 60 pounds lighter...*sigh*I know I've said this before but this time I'm really gonna fast...Starting now..9:30pm Friday night..untill next friday night at 9:30...I have to do this for myself...i have to lose weight by the 11th..otherwise i'll still be chubby chloe...::sigh::

3 purges| binge

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